You may think it is an action, but what you are really avoiding is a feeling.

Updated: Feb 15, 2021

I bet you think you are avoiding an action like ....

  • having the conversation with him

  • asking for the raise

  • switching careers

  • getting on the scale

  • looking at your Visa bill

  • sitting down to write

  • mapping out your week on a calendar

  • finding love

But what you are really avoiding is the feeling that doing the above will create. Wait. What? Yup. You are avoiding a feeling.  Let's take one example: "Having the conversation" is a neutral situation until you have a thought about it that creates a feeling of dread, or panic or stress. So what you are really avoiding are those feelings. I get it. Those feelings are not ones we often run toward. But none of those feelings will kill you.  You are really just avoiding feeling discomfort. But, dear you, embracing discomfort is required to living an authentic life.  Discomfort can come from feeling vulnerable. Discomfort can come from feeling fear. Discomfort can come from feeling visible. Discomfort can come from feeling honest.  But, then, that discomfort can also lead to Feeling powerful. Feeling honest. Feeling heard. Feeling worthy. Feeling clarity. Feeling control. Feeling joy.  I am working with a driven, smart, educated woman who is powerful at work. She asks for the raise. And gets it. She asks for her professional needs to be met. And they are.  She adds value and is celebrated for it. She does not avoid what she wants or needs. Her colleagues love her. She is authentic there. She is a hero at work.  But, in her personal life, it's another story. She is doing all she can to avoid feeling vulnerable. To not rock the boat. And, ironically, avoiding the feeling of vulnerability is creating the feeling of misery.   She doesn't want to "hurt" her husband's feelings. She doesn't want to say "no" to her kids. So, instead she hurts her own feelings and says no to herself all the time.  As a result, she is not living the life she really wants to live. And, that life is on the other side of the discomfort. We can both see it...  But, the good news is that she is ready to get vulnerable.  She's tired of hiding.  She is ready to stop running in place. She's ready for the conversations that will come from a place of love not attack. If you resist the feeling it will pop up somewhere else in your life.  If you react to the feeling you will indulge in toddler behavior. If you avoid the feeling you will find yourself overeating, overdrinking, over spending, over whatevering.  If you allow the feeling, let the feeling wash over you. Sit in the feeling. It will last a few minutes tops. It won't kill you and you will gradually learn that that feeling it is no big deal. Esp when your dreams are waiting for you.  If you see yourself in any of these examples we should for sure have a conversation. Imagine a life without avoidance? When I have a consultation call with a potential client, I ask for them to identify one thing they are avoiding - we list out the actions and feelings involved. Then, I teach them a process to face both head on. By the end of the call they have a tool they can rinse and repeat in other areas of their life.  I'd love to have a conversation with you. You don't have to ask me twice...I'm ready.  Your "allow all the feelings" coach, Kristin




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