How resentment almost ruined my marriage

Updated: Feb 15, 2021

The first years of our marriage were no cake walk. And, I was to blame. But, I never would have let you in on this. I kept smiling when outside my house. I kept serving and participating in life, but inside... I was filled with resentment. We got married and a few months later my husband began graduate school full time.

  • I was not happy to move from an urban area to a small college town. #citysnob

  • I was not happy being underemployed while solely responsible for all of our expenses. #iaimedlowprofessionally

  • I was not happy to leave my family and friends, and a job I enjoyed. #duh

  • I was not happy that my husband was in class or studying most of the time. #lotsofalonetime

  • I was not happy that we had no money for "fun" - to buy a CD, go to dinner, go to the movies... #thatescapewasgone

  • I was not happy that I worked full time as a glorified secretary and part time as an admission consultant and also started my own care package business so we could make ends meet. Not to enhance our life... nope ... to cover our needs. #hustlinggetsold

  • I was not happy that we would need to rent for the next 8 years. #spraypaintedourchippingshutters

  • I was not happy that I felt so unhappy. #anddidnotseeanout

I nearly wrecked our marriage with my entitlement.

I resented my husband for all of these circumstances. My husband, the same one who ...

  • chose his career path as an investment in OUR long term future. #forwardthinking

  • thanked me often for all the balls I was juggling so he could solely focus on school. #imean...

  • hugged me when I cried and listened patiently as I complained. #sokind

  • felt such gratitude for our marriage and this life while I was filled with lack and judgment. #contrast

  • found me a therapist when my crying wasn't ceasing #blesshim

And, no one else knew how I felt. Only Lewis. That's a shit ton of pressure on one person. I lived two lives.... I wanted all to appear lovely. #relate? I was embarrassed I felt this way. #relate? I didn't want anyone to worry about me. #relate? And.... I knew deep down I was being a spoiled brat. #ouch I wanted what I wanted and that was that. #doubleouch I wish I had had my today me available to coach my then me because I would have challenged the thought that once my circumstances changed EVERYTHING would be better. I couldn't have been more wrong or misguided. I believed to my toes that my outside circumstances determined my emotions. So I kept trying to change those circumstances.... (see if you can pick up on my theme?) I turned to applying for other jobs.* I turned to Lewis to provide fun in our marriage. I turned to yoga. I turned to long drives alone. I turned to visiting my family alone. I turned to self help books. I turned to therapy. I turned to sending away (no internet then...) for graduate school info. *Not going to lie... I did find new work at a college, this time in development, around fabulous women and my mood did improve, but not for the reasons I thought. Au revoir secretarial role!! I turned to everything outside of me, when all was available inside of me. I wish I had known then that our reality is entirely based on our thoughts, never our circumstances. You know how I know... Spoiler alert: When all of our circumstances "improved" my happiness was still rather fragile... This is why I am dedicated, driven, on a mission to teach everyone I know the power of mindset to create the reality you want in your life. And that living with default thoughts will limit you immensely, as will turning outside of you to create joy, fulfillment and happiness. I'll share more tomorrow... Hugs, Kristin

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