Updated: Feb 2
First, wow.... thanks for all your notes and feedback about my last two emails. I did not intend to surprise anyone, but I guess I really did. One friend of thirty years even
wrote... "And the Oscar goes to Kristin Dabney for ..." Being vulnerable is not natural to me. Sharing my weaknesses feels almost indulgent. And yet... I am most moved when others do both. So, why was I not doing so? Hmm.... lots of coaching later. Voila. I did. And it feels very freeing. And, let me be clear. I have not been faking happiness for the last 28 years of my marriage. Not even sorta. I have felt intense happiness and joy and intimacy and love. And... for some of those years there was also a soundtrack of "If only X would change..." running in the background that I was allowing to rob me of what was so available to me - more happiness, joy, intimacy and love. Life will be hard. Unavoidable. But, your marriage doesn't have to be. It's a choice. For the last 15 years my marriage:
has helped me to feel invincible.
has given me the confidence to take risks, evolve, ask for what I want, take on challenges, dare myself.
has been the strength to walk through tragedy, illnesses, and deaths.
has taught me Lewis is in my life to love, to cherish, to accept, to support --- not to change, nag, or meet any of my needs. (don't even get me started on the love languages... I think taken out of context that concept can be poison to a marriage... more on that later.)
And to return to my theme... notice that all of the above are thoughts, not facts. They are thoughts I choose and then I look for evidence to support them. They create glorious feelings for me. And most importantly remember.... Lewis did not change. I changed. I stopped needing him to be different - funnier, more adventuresome, a vacation planner, not moody, spontaneous, someone who can hear me talking when a football game is on... And I stopped needing him to meet all my needs. (back to the importance of work wives, girlfriend trips...) And then guess what happened? He changed. He relaxed more. He was more open to my suggestions (let's move houses, let's travel here, let's explore this, let's x, y, z,) I assume his new state was partly because he was no longer under attack or judged or nagged or "talked to" when we got back in the car after a party.... (yes... sheepishly I admit to judging him for not being more x, y or z at the party... Who the hell was I???) Thank God she's gone... Bye Felicia... I am a life coach. I coach women to create extraordinary in their lives. And, I know that all the extraordinary in my life cascades from my marriage. Was I raised by generous loving parents? Yes ma'am. Are they still generous and loving? You bet. I'm damn lucky. I get it. Am I a bit in awe of my two grown daughters? Yes ma'am. Do I have a strong healthy body that serves all my needs? Not toned, but fully functioning! Do I have a personal relationship with God? Thankfully, yes. Am I surrounded by family and friends who inspire, support and love me? Again yes. Is my professional life more satisfying than I ever could have imagined? That would be a hell yes. But guess what? If my marriage weren't what it is I bet I would be so distracted being sad or angry or entitled that I would miss all of the above. I would love my parents, my family, my work, but not as fully as I do now. Not righting my thinking would have been a selfish act. To live in want or lack ... that's miserable. And completely unnecessary... no matter your circumstance. And I want this for everyone else too. Everyone. No exceptions. If you are ready to explore your marriage, I'm here for you. And, if you are thinking... my marriage is fine. I'm good... I challenge you... What if you went from fine to incredible? Fine to extraordinary? And what if all that has to happen is you shifting your thoughts... Your husband does not need to do one thing differently. Promise.
If you'd like to learn more ... I'm an email away. Hugs,